In what some are calling “the most Alberta thing ever,” the province has reportedly refused to join its Canadian siblings in a soft boycott of the United States, prompting cheers south of the border and side-eyes from everywhere else in Canada.
“We knew Alberta wouldn’t last five minutes without Target and Chili’s,” said one Ontario resident, clutching a reusable tote with smug nationalistic pride. “They’re basically Texas with snow.”
Statistics show Alberta imports of cheap American beer, oversized trucks, and reality TV haven’t slowed, in fact, they’ve spiked. Meanwhile, Saskatchewan is wavering and Manitoba was last seen Googling “U.S. Costco memberships.”
Alberta Premier Danielle Smith defended the province’s stance: “Freedom means buying whatever we want from whoever we want, even if they’re burning down democracy.”
Washington insiders reportedly refer to Alberta as “America’s hat brim” and are floating the idea of fast-tracking it for statehood “if the oil holds out.”
