In a move that surprises absolutely no one, Pierre Poilievre has reportedly insisted on making all the rules for the political “game” currently unfolding in Battle-River Crowfoot – and then changing them mid-play.
Observers say the Conservative leader arrived on the metaphorical playground with his own ball, declared himself team captain, referee, and snack monitor, then banned anyone else from playing unless they agreed he had already won.
“When you’re fighting for democracy, it’s important to define democracy as ‘whatever I just said,’” Poilievre clarified, while redrawing the hopscotch lines into a pipeline.
His opponents attempted to raise concerns, but were quickly put in permanent timeout for asking questions. Meanwhile, locals in the riding shrugged, noting the game hasn’t changed in decades – only now there’s more yelling about freedom and fewer juice boxes.
Analysts expect Poilievre to win the by-election. Again. Still. Forever.
