In an unhinged press conference Friday, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith demanded the wildfire-ravaged town of Jasper issue a formal apology for “embarrassing the province with its lack of fireproofing and general melodrama.”
“Frankly, it’s exhausting,” Smith sighed, adjusting a designer blazer she claimed was “smoky from all the bad optics.” “Other towns manage to not combust in summer. Jasper should take responsibility for the headlines and apologize to hardworking Albertans forced to hear about it.”
Smith suggested residents could have “stayed put with buckets” instead of evacuating, accusing them of “attention-seeking behavior during tourist season.” She floated penalties for municipalities whose “poor forest management choices” lead to flames.
When asked if the province would send aid, Smith quipped, “I’ll send thoughts and prayers. Or maybe a class-action lawsuit against wind.”
The comment was met with stunned silence, briefly broken by a nearby pine tree spontaneously catching fire.
