In a move critics are calling “cowboy cosplay with consequences,” the Alberta government has officially unveiled the name of its new provincial police force: the Alberta Sovereign Shield, which sounds less like a law enforcement agency and more like a brand of tactical beef jerky.
Premier Danielle Smith hailed the force as a “bold step toward local control,” just before appointing retired Calgary officer Greg “Biceps” Malloy as its inaugural Chief. Malloy, known for once arresting a teenager for loitering in a Tim Hortons parking lot “with attitude,” vowed to uphold the province’s values: independence, oil, and aggressively ignoring federal laws.
Critics warn the Shield could turn into a partisan posse, but Smith reassured reporters it would remain impartial- except toward Ottawa, environmentalists, and anyone who says the word “carbon.”
Training begins next week. The dress code? Cowboy hats, mirrored sunglasses, and unwavering suspicion.
