Former President Donald Trump shocked the world Monday by announcing he would “personally lead” a war against Iran, reportedly after mistaking the country for “E-Ran,” the password his aide set up for his Truth Social login.
“Folks, I’m going to war with E-Ran. They hacked my email, probably rigged the 2020 election, and they’ve been disrespecting my golf swing for years,” Trump said while pacing between tanning booths.
Pentagon officials scrambled to clarify that Trump has zero military authority, while Eric Trump was seen loading Nerf guns into a golf cart labeled “Trump Force One.”
Iran responded with confusion, a strongly worded letter, and a meme of Trump edited into a Persian soap opera.
As of press time, Trump had also declared war on “Auto-Correct,” the state of Vermont (“very suspicious place”), and whichever country invented windmills.
