Measles makes historic comeback after Americans decide surviving childhood is woke
Pennsylvania has surpassed 1,000 measles cases, a historic milestone for a country apparently determined to become a third-world nation without sacrificing its first-world healthcare prices.
The outbreak marks America’s latest triumph in transforming settled medical science into a political debate for people who think a Facebook meme outweighs 200 years of epidemiology.
Anti-vaccine activists celebrated the achievement, insisting children shouldn’t be exposed to dangerous chemicals when they could instead be exposed to dangerous fucking diseases.
Health officials warn that declining vaccination rates could resurrect other preventable illnesses, although critics argue this unfairly discriminates against Americans whose entire medical education consists of podcasts hosted by divorced men selling supplements.
Meanwhile, measles thanked the anti-vaccine movement for accomplishing what decades of viral evolution couldn’t: making Americans too fucking stupid to survive a vaccine.
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