“Essential for Hiding Corpses of Truth and Credibility” Alberta Government Defends $280K Office Carpet
The Alberta government has come under fire after reports revealed Premier Danielle Smith’s office was outfitted with a $280,000 custom carpet. Officials, however, were quick to defend the expenditure, citing the rug’s “critical role in concealing the slain bodies of truth, transparency, and public trust.”
“It’s not just a carpet,” said government spokesperson Grant Laminate, gently stroking a sample swatch. “It’s a high-density, ultra-pile misinformation burial site.”
According to sources close to the Premier’s office, the carpet was commissioned after several high-profile incidents in which truth inconveniently wandered into press conferences. “We couldn’t just leave credibility bleeding out on the marble tiles,” Laminate explained. “That’s a nightmare for Facilities.”
Interior designers involved in the renovation say the rug was chosen for its ability to absorb both sound and scandal. “It’s Scotchgard-treated,” said designer Fiona Cryptique. “So whether it’s oil lobbyist footprints, or the oozing remains of a gutted FOIP request, it all just vanishes beneath the paisley.”
Critics have called the expense wasteful, especially amid rising costs of living. Smith responded by assuring Albertans that the rug also serves as a multi-use surface. “We hold meetings, policy reversals, and even quiet gaslighting sessions right on top of it,” she said. “Sometimes I just roll around on it whispering, ‘No one saw the report.’”
When asked about transparency, Smith gestured toward the rug. “It’s under there. Somewhere. With the ethics commissioner’s spine.”
At press time, a faint, muffled cry was heard beneath the carpet. Staff attributed it to “another whistleblower who forgot to knock.”
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