In what critics are calling a “hostage negotiation with extra pretzels,” the Liberal government has ordered striking Air Canada flight attendants back to work, citing the sacred national right of citizens to pay $700 for a middle seat that doesn’t recline.
The attendants, who had walked off the job demanding living wages and fewer 16-hour shifts spent cleaning up vomit from passengers who confuse altitude with immunity to alcohol, found themselves legislated back into service by a government that proudly champions “workers’ rights” — unless, of course, those workers interfere with business-class brunch plans.
Air Canada executives, meanwhile, are reportedly “relieved” that order has been restored, as their bonuses were in danger of shrinking from “obscene” to merely “embarrassing.” Insiders say the airline is considering celebrating with a modest ticket price hike and a bold new slogan: “Air Canada: Because You Don’t Have a Choice.”
