Disney Delays Avengers Film to Dodge GTA VI Mayhem, Cites Fear of Irrelevance and Rocket Launchers
In an unexpected twist of cinematic strategy, Disney has officially delayed the release of its upcoming Avengers: Eternal Conquest to avoid a head-on collision with the launch of Rockstar Games’ long-awaited Grand Theft Auto VI. The new Avengers film, which reportedly cost enough to fund a small country’s GDP, will now hit theaters several months later—after the nation has presumably tired of carjacking, casual arson, and pixelated debauchery.
A Disney spokesperson, speaking under the condition of plausible deniability, confirmed, “We felt it was best to let America have its fun stealing helicopters and robbing liquor stores before asking them to care about multiversal stakes and Robert Downey Jr”
The studio reportedly made the decision after internal projections suggested that 97% of their core demographic—males aged 18-35 with an affinity for explosions and moral ambiguity—would be too busy losing themselves in GTA’s sprawling digital dystopia to notice the latest Marvel villain trying to unmake reality.
Marvel insiders attempted to downplay the shift. “We’re not scared,” one producer insisted. “We just believe in giving audiences the space to fully enjoy both a gritty, lawless crime simulator and our heavily sanitized, family-friendly destruction. There’s room for both worlds to burn—ours just has better CGI.”
Analysts predict Disney will recoup losses by selling GTA VI-themed superhero skins, assuming Rockstar ever allows joy, or licensing, to happen.
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