Transportation Secretary and part-time oracle Pete Buttigieg stunned viewers this week by declaring that the Democratic Party’s 2024 loss was due to “just two words.” The offending phrase? “Policy details.”
“We were out there explaining amortized tax credits while Trump was handing out hats and threats,” Buttigieg sighed, polishing a model train. “Turns out, voters didn’t want a 37-slide deck. They wanted a man yelling.”
Sources inside the DNC are scrambling to identify which words aren’t poison. “We tried ‘equity,’ ‘sustainability,’ and ‘Joe Biden,’ but none tested better than ‘free beer,’” one strategist said.
Meanwhile, Trump’s camp responded with a brief statement: “Thanks, nerds.”
Buttigieg has since proposed replacing all campaign messaging with emojis and drone light shows. “It’s time to speak the language of the people,” he said, moments before unveiling a hologram of FDR riding a Peloton.
