In a move that has health experts coughing into their hazmat suits, the Trump administration’s EPA announced plans to “reconsider” the Biden-era ban on asbestos-because apparently, mesothelioma just doesn’t get enough attention anymore.
“We’re not saying we want to poison Americans,” said one EPA official who requested anonymity, “but we think people should have the freedom to poison themselves if they want.” The administration framed the move as part of a broader effort to “bring back the classics,” alongside rumored revivals of lead paint, DDT, and lawn darts.
Industry lobbyists-wearing commemorative “Make Cancer Great Again” pins-hailed the decision as a win for “job creators who specialize in long-term litigation.”
Medical experts remain baffled. “Asbestos is a known killer,” one oncologist said. “This is like unbanning cigarettes on airplanes, but with less ventilation and more lawsuits.”
