In a bold new effort to combine border enforcement with Florida man energy, Representative Buck Gristle (R-FL) has proposed constructing a new ICE detention center “enhanced” with a surrounding moat filled with live alligators. “It’s humane and patriotic,” Gristle said, donning a cowboy hat made entirely of Kevlar.
The proposed facility, dubbed “Liberty Lagoon,” would detain undocumented immigrants in a “wetlands-integrated environment” that “deters escape and teaches swamp respect.” A draft memo boasts the alligators are “American-born reptiles committed to national security.”
Critics called the plan “cartoonishly evil” and “the kind of thing you’d expect from a villain in a 90s action movie.” But Gristle fired back: “These are freedom gators. They bite for liberty.”
In unrelated news, Disney announced it would be relocating its parks to literally anywhere else. The gators, reportedly consulted, declined comment but did lick their lips.
