In a development surprising no one and concerning everyone, policy analysts confirmed Monday that the United States is slowly but unmistakably sliding into the dystopian nightmare of Deus Ex, the beloved video game series where multinational corporations rule the world, the government is mostly vibes, and the only thing more common than cybernetic implants is moral ambiguity.
“We’re about two executive orders and a Red Bull shortage away from full cyberpunk collapse,” said Dr. Amanda Groves, clutching a half-melted vape pen. “At this point, all we need is a trenchcoat-wearing agent to brood on a rooftop and mutter about the Illuminati.”
Tech billionaires continue fusing with AIs, private militaries now outnumber Taco Bells in Texas, and nobody knows what the Department of Homeland Augmentations actually does. When asked for comment, the White House simply replied: “We never asked for this.”
