In a bold new statement that surprised absolutely no one, Ubisoft executives declared Wednesday that microtransactions are “more fun” than playing their actual games.
“We crunched the numbers and realized our players smile 300% more when buying horse armor than when finishing a mission,” said CEO Yves Guillemot, sipping from a platinum-tier coffee mug only available in the Assassin’s Creed: Barista DLC pack.
Players report the company’s newest titles have been carefully designed to funnel them into the in-game store within minutes. “I was in a tutorial,” said one gamer, “and it asked if I wanted to unlock the jump button for $2.99.”
Ubisoft defended the move, calling it “innovative monetization” and promising a “free-to-start” future where joy itself can be purchased in 99-cent increments.
Critics called the announcement “disturbing but refreshingly honest.” Gamers called it “Tuesday.”
