In a revelation that makes physicists everywhere question whether they’ve been hoarding too many chalkboards, a team of researchers announced they’ve rediscovered a “forgotten” particle that could make quantum computers actually work. The particle, dubbed the “oh-right-ion,” was apparently first noted in 1973 before being buried under decades of grant applications and Star Wars sequels.
Physicists claim the oh-right-ion could stabilize quantum states, ending the industry’s 30-year streak of announcing breakthroughs that mysteriously never leave the lab. “It’s like finding the missing puzzle piece under your couch, only the couch is the universe and the puzzle has 11 dimensions,” said lead researcher Dr. Lila Xu.
Tech giants immediately declared victory, promising the particle will lead to faster algorithms, stronger encryption, and inevitably ads you can’t skip even in alternate realities. Investors are already calling it “the Bitcoin of physics,” ensuring that if the science doesn’t break reality, the hype bubble probably will.
