Saturday Sleuths: Comic Strip Characters Ranked by Body-hiding Potential
In a shocking but extremely hypothetical turn of events, researchers at the University of Dark Humor have released a definitive ranking of Saturday comic strip characters based on how likely they are to help you hide a body. Their findings are both disturbing and oddly believable.
5. Cathy — Her panicked “ACK!” would alert the entire neighborhood. Absolutely not. Zero chill under pressure.
4. Family Circus kids — Billy can’t even find his shoes, let alone keep quiet about a shallow grave. Expect a dotted line straight to the authorities.
3. Dilbert — Might log it into a spreadsheet and organize a cover-up committee. Unfortunately, he’d also email HR about it and accidentally CC the police.
2. Garfield — Lazy, yes—but if you bury it under a lasagna pan, he’s in. Bonus: he’ll eat the evidence if it’s vaguely edible.
1. Calvin’s Tiger Pal, Hobbes — He’s already imaginary, which makes him the perfect accomplice—no fingerprints, no questions. Plus, Calvin’s mom never checks the woods out back.
Ultimately, if you’re planning cartoon-assisted crimes, stick to felines and imaginary friends. Everyone else is a liability—or worse, a snitch.
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