Ottawa Discovers Untapped Reserve Force: The Entire Population

The Canadian Armed Forces has unveiled a bold new plan to solve recruitment challenges by simply recruiting almost everyone.

According to a newly approved directive, senior military leaders intend to expand the country’s part-time forces from roughly 28,000 to 400,000, a move officials describe as “ambitious,” “necessary,” and “something we’ll definitely figure out later.” The plan includes growing the reserves to 100,000 and quietly adding another 300,000 Canadians under the category of “supplementary and other,” which experts say may include retirees, baristas, and anyone who once watched Band of Brothers.

A special “tiger team” has been assembled at National Defence headquarters to determine how to amend legislation so that nearly every Canadian can be mobilized, preferably without noticing.

The directive emphasizes a “Whole of Society” approach, meaning all Canadians will be expected to contribute, whether through military service, paperwork, or nodding solemnly when asked if they support national defence.

The Department of National Defence declined to comment, reportedly because it is still counting.

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