“Operation Eternal Penance” Catholic Church responds to Trump threats. Enlists Doom Slayer in Case of Trump-Vatican Showdown
In a move that has raised eyebrows and plasma rifles alike, the Vatican has reportedly recruited the legendary Doom Slayer as a “last resort” in the event of an armed conflict with current U.S. President Donald Trump. The recruitment effort, dubbed “Operation Eternal Penance,” is said to have been triggered by recent threats from Trump’s increasingly erratic social media posts, which included a vow to “build the biggest, most beautiful wall around the Vatican, and make them pay for it — believe me!”
Sources within the Holy See suggest that the Doom Slayer was chosen for his extensive experience with Hellish adversaries, a fitting skill set given the potential clash of egos involved. Vatican spokesperson Father Luigi Fierro commented, “The Doom Slayer’s unmatched ability to confront demonic forces aligns perfectly with our mission. Plus, the Swiss Guard’s halberds are largely ceremonial, and it’s about time we upped our game.”
When reached for comment, the Doom Slayer merely cocked his shotgun, racked a chainsaw, and revved a motorcycle he had inexplicably parked in the Sistine Chapel. Unconfirmed reports suggest the Slayer’s armor has already been blessed, making it the most heavily sanctified power armor in history.
Despite the church’s efforts, theological scholars warn that summoning a being known for ripping and tearing might be a bit extreme, even by the Old Testament’s standards. But as one cardinal put it, “If God works in mysterious ways, sometimes those ways involve a BFG 9000.”
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