Ohio Meth Raccoon Floated as Potential 2028 Democratic Candidate After Polls Show He’d Win Florida
In a stunning twist for American democracy, a raccoon found recently with a meth pipe during an Ohio traffic stop has become an unlikely rising star in Democratic Party circles. Dubbed the “Ohio Meth Raccoon” this nocturnal bandit has now become a potential 2028 presidential candidate.
“Look, we need someone who connects with voters,” one DNC strategist said, requesting anonymity to avoid the inevitable memes. “He’s gritty, unpredictable, and already used to foraging for resources in a chaotic, hostile environment – just like Washington. Plus, Texas voters love a good underdog. Or under-raccoon.”
Early polling in the Sunshine State shows the Ohio Meth Raccoon with a shocking 17-point lead over both major parties. Analysts credit his appeal to Florida’s unique blend of chaos, survival instinct, and general disregard for personal safety.
The raccoon, who remains unnamed (though “Scrambles” has emerged as a frontrunner), declined to comment, instead opting to hiss violently at reporters before fleeing into a nearby storm drain.
In a final twist, a PAC supporting his run has already raised over $2 million in Bitcoin, scratch-off winnings, and unmarked bills.
“We’ve finally found a candidate that truly reflects the spirit of American politics,” the strategist added, popping a handful of Tums. “God help us all.”
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