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Odds of Random Events Occurring Before Half-Life 3 Release Now Include Heat Death of Universe

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In a stunning new report from the Institute of Inevitable Disappointments, researchers have compiled a list of increasingly improbable events likely to occur before Valve releases Half-Life 3. Topping the list: the Sun going supernova, the United States electing a raccoon president, and God descending from the heavens to admit he was just “playtesting humanity.”

Statisticians estimate the odds of winning the lottery eight times in a row are now more favorable than seeing Gordon Freeman speak a single line of dialogue in a third installment. “We’ve observed glaciers reforming, Atlantis resurfacing, and Elon Musk voluntarily logging off Twitter—all more plausible than Half-Life 3 dropping,” said Dr. Karen Causality, lead researcher.

Valve has remained silent, presumably communicating only in artifact-based puzzles and vague ARGs designed to break the human spirit.

In related news, a cult in Norway has begun worshiping Half-Life 2 as a “complete work,” claiming the lack of closure is a metaphor for the futility of human longing.

When asked for comment, Gabe Newell was last seen boarding a yacht labeled “Artifact 2,” whispering, “Soon.” But no one believes him.

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