In a landmark antitrust decision that shocked absolutely no one, a U.S. judge ruled this week that Google will not be forced to sell off its Chrome browser or Android operating system. The decision effectively allows the tech giant to continue ruling the internet like a cheery, data-mining overlord.
Critics had hoped the court might pry apart Google’s empire, or at least pretend to, but instead the ruling reassures the public that Chrome will keep eating their RAM and Android will keep shipping with three dozen unremovable apps they never asked for.
“This is a huge win for innovation,” said a Google spokesperson, shortly before disappearing into a golden elevator shaft. Legal analysts agreed, noting the ruling protects consumer choice, provided consumers choose between Google, Google, or Google.
Meanwhile, antitrust watchdogs were last seen staring into the abyss of their Chrome tabs, which refused to close.
