In a shocking twist that experts are calling “mathematically improbable” and “mildly upsetting to most Americans,” the Toronto Blue Jays have defeated the Seattle Mariners in Game 7 of the ALCS, punching their ticket to the World Series for the first time in over three decades.
The Jays, long considered baseball’s emotional support franchise for an entire nation, managed to overcome a season filled with blown saves, bizarre baserunning decisions, and national indifference. “We were just trying not to embarrass ourselves on TV,” said manager John Schneider, clutching a Tim Hortons cup that may or may not have contained champagne.
Seattle fans, meanwhile, consoled themselves by reminding everyone that rain is cleansing and baseball is a social construct. Toronto fans flooded downtown, honking horns and politely apologizing for it afterward. The World Series now awaits – and with it, the looming possibility that Canada might actually win something again.
