“His name is Robert Provost” Cardinals Break Tradition, Embrace Fight Club to Select New Pope
In a surprising twist on centuries-old tradition, the College of Cardinals reportedly ditched secret ballots for bare knuckles and broken noses to select the next pope. Sources within the Vatican confirm that after intense underground sparring, American-born Cardinal Robert Prevost emerged as the victor, and thus, the next pontiff.
The “First Rule of Papal Fight Club” – don’t talk about Papal Fight Club – was clearly broken when whispers of the unorthodox selection process leaked through Vatican corridors. One anonymous cardinal, nursing a black eye and a swollen hand, confided, “Honestly, it felt refreshing. You try choosing a leader by prayer and debate after 2,000 years. At some point, you just want to throw a punch.”
Prevost, now known as Pope Leo XIV, reportedly claimed his title with a brutal uppercut against his closest rival, Cardinal Giovanni “The Jackal” Marini, in the final round. Witnesses say the newly anointed pontiff immediately ordered a round of espressos for the battered conclave, quipping, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned – but it was for the greater good.”
While some traditionalists are appalled, others see it as a bold step toward a modern, more relatable Catholic Church. Vatican officials refused to comment, though an insider hinted at a possible pay-per-view deal for the next conclave.
SHARE ON:
