In a revelation that surprises no one with Wi-Fi and a subscription to three streaming services, economists warn that America’s 30-somethings may never actually grow up. Once thought to be “late bloomers,” millennials and elder Zoomers are now seen as permanent residents of Neverland, except with more avocado toast and anxiety.
“Marriage, home ownership, kids—these were milestones. Now they’re just expensive hobbies for the rich,” said one analyst, clutching his fourth Monster Energy of the day. “We’re looking at a cohort whose major life investments are Funko Pops and emotional support water bottles.”
Sociologists cite rising costs, stagnant wages, and an economic system resembling a slot machine on fire. Meanwhile, Peter Pan Syndrome sufferers themselves shrug. “Why grow up? We have DoorDash and group chats,” said 34-year-old Brandon, live-streaming from his childhood bedroom.
Experts warn of a future where adulthood is as mythical as affordable housing—though on the bright side, nobody’s mowing the lawn anymore.
