Games Week – Super Mario Bros (NES)
This week, our staff bravely dusted off the pixelated corpses of classic video games for a series of retro reviews nobody asked for.
Super Mario Bros: The Plumbers Who Committed Mushroom Genocide
In 1985, Nintendo released Super Mario Bros., a cheerful romp where an Italian plumber stomps his way through the sentient wildlife of the Mushroom Kingdom. Marketed as family fun, the game follows Mario—a blue-collar man with a God complex—who gleefully flattens turtles, sets fire to fish, and punches bricks with reckless abandon. His mission? Rescue a princess who’s perpetually kidnapped, possibly out of sheer boredom. Along the way, Mario commits acts that would make a Hague tribunal sweat. It’s colorful, catchy, and a horrifying metaphor for imperial conquest with better mustaches. And somehow, we let kids play it.
Mushroom Madness: Super Mario Bros. 2 Unleashes Plumber Psychosis
In a shocking twist to 1988 gaming, Super Mario Bros. 2 has players questioning not only reality, but Mario’s mental health. Gone are the fireballs and Koopas—replaced by vegetable-throwing, mask-wearing nightmares and the ability to play as the tragically floaty Princess Peach. Experts suspect the game is just Mario’s fever dream after a pipe-cleaning accident involving questionable mushrooms. Bowser is nowhere to be found, replaced by a vengeful frog who hates plumbing. Fans call it “innovative”; therapists call it “a documented break from reality.” The only thing clear: Mario needs less jumping and more help.
Mushroom Monarchy Collapses in Super Mario Bros. 3
In Super Mario Bros. 3, the Mushroom Kingdom outsourced security to a plumber in raccoon cosplay, and somehow, it worked—until it didn’t. Seven royal kids, each clearly dealing with unaddressed behavioral issues, stole magical wands and turned kings into animals, which honestly feels like a lateral move. Mario, fueled by mushrooms and flying dreams, committed regicide across seven continents to restore order. Meanwhile, Princess Peach got kidnapped again, raising serious questions about her security team and the Kingdom’s hiring policies. Critics call the game whimsical; psychologists call it a colorful psychosis. Either way, the Tanooki suit slaps.
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