In a revelation that surprised absolutely no one except perhaps a few optimistic job seekers, leaked internal documents show Amazon plans to replace up to 600,000 future hires with robots by 2030. The company reportedly described the initiative as “a major step forward in efficiency, consistency, and not having to listen to complaints about bathroom breaks.”
The robotic workforce, dubbed “Associates 2.0”, will handle warehouse duties, deliveries, and eventually HR functions, once engineers figure out how to simulate empathy at scale.
Amazon’s spokesperson assured the public that “humans will always have a role” at the company, mainly as customers buying from the robots. Early tests have shown mixed results: the robots are 35% faster at sorting packages, but 100% worse at pretending to enjoy team-building activities.
Wall Street cheered the leak, sending Amazon’s stock, and existential dread, up 12%.
