In a move proving that reality is often less fun than the games it sells, Electronic Arts announced it will be acquired in the largest private equity buyout in history; an eye-watering $55 billion. The deal, financed by a consortium of investors who have never beaten the tutorial level of Madden, promises to “streamline” operations, which is corporate speak for laying off half the employees and replacing them with unpaid interns who still believe in loot boxes.
Fans worry the company’s new owners will push EA’s microtransaction model to its logical extreme: $4.99 to pause, $9.99 to save, and a $29.99 “DLC patch” that fixes the purchase screen. Investors, meanwhile, praised the deal as “an epic grind” that will deliver XP in the form of shareholder returns.
As one analyst quipped, “EA’s motto has always been It’s in the game… but soon it’ll be It’s in the Cayman Islands.”
