As America hurtles toward another presidential election with all the grace of a flaming Walmart cart, Canadians are once again nervously sipping Tim Hortons and whispering, “Please, not again.”
“Look, we love the U.S.,” said one Alberta man while stockpiling maple syrup and emergency Xanax. “But if your democracy collapses, we’re next. And we can’t all move to Iceland.”
Polls show 87% of Canadians are hoping their southern neighbors will, quote, “snap out of it,” ditch the MAGA movement, and remember that what once made America great was not red hats, but public libraries, jazz, and functioning institutions.
Meanwhile, U.S. campaign ads continue airing at Super Bowl volume about how teachers are communist and books are suspicious.
“We believe in you,” said Former Prime Minister Trudeau, reportedly lighting a sage bundle. “Just maybe cool it with the cult energy this time.”
