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Canadian Border Agents Heroically Stop Man Armed With Nothing but Expertise

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In a development shocking absolutely no one familiar with Canadian airport security’s hobby of overachieving, prominent legal scholar Richard Falk, was detained at the border Tuesday after uttering the five words known to trigger immediate bureaucratic paralysis: “I’m attending a Palestine conference.”

Falk, whose academic work includes such inflammatory topics as “international law” and “basic human rights,” was promptly escorted to the airport’s special secondary screening lounge – a windowless room decorated exclusively with motivational posters about patience.

Officials insisted the detention was not political. “We’d detain anyone attending any conference on any topic that scares us,” said one agent, citing last week’s 31-hour interrogation of a sociologist headed to a panel on affordable housing.

After finally being released, Falk said he planned to deliver his keynote remotely. Conference organizers agreed this was for the best, noting the talk was on freedom of movement, and irony that thick is a known fire hazard.



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