Public health officials confirmed yesterday that five people are dead and dozens more hospitalized after an outbreak of flesh-eating bacteria linked to coastal beaches and seafood markets. Authorities urged residents to avoid swimming in “suspiciously warm, murky water” and to maybe think twice before slurping down raw oysters that smell like low tide.
The bacteria, which thrives in balmy waters, has apparently decided to treat the coastline like an all-you-can-eat buffet. Victims reported initial symptoms of nausea, fever, and the growing suspicion that their vacation souvenirs would now include medical bills and skin grafts.
Local restaurants were quick to issue statements, assuring customers that their seafood is “probably fine,” though one crab shack owner admitted, “Our special today is roulette.”
Officials advise the public to avoid unnecessary contact with seawater, but admit the most foolproof solution may be relocating to Nebraska.
