Games Week – Teenage Mutant ninja Turtles (NES)
This week, our staff bravely dusted off the pixelated corpses of classic video games for a series of retro reviews nobody asked for.
TMNT: Childhood Dream or Green-Hued Nightmare?
The 1989 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles NES game lured kids in with pizza and promise — then mercilessly drowned them in seaweed. Armed with underwhelming weapons and a prayer, players fought glitchy foes and existential dread. The infamous dam level remains a war crime in underwater platforming. Donatello’s bo staff was your only real friend; Raphael was cannon fodder. The music? Cheerful death march. Somehow, we kept playing, like Stockholm Syndrome in cartridge form. It wasn’t a game — it was a slow, pixelated descent into madness. And for some reason, we liked it. Cowabunga? More like help-abunga.
TMNT II: The Arcade Game — Cowabunga or Coin-Devouring Torture?
Released in 1990, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game was every kid’s dream — now you could play without your allowance vanishing faster than Shredder’s dignity. The Arcade classic, a quarter-munching side-scroller drenched in neon violence, lets you and a pal pummel the Foot Clan with righteous turtle fury… for about 45 seconds before dying. Endless waves of purple-clad goons, exploding robots, and boss fights that laughed at your puny jump kicks. Pizza healed your wounds, but not your pride. Still, it was glorious chaos — a fluorescent fever dream where teamwork meant yelling “Don’t die!” over blinking “Game Over” screens. Radical. And ruthless.
TMNT III: The Manhattan Project — Turtle Power Meets Existential Crisis
In Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project (1992), the turtles trade New York’s sewers for a Florida vacation—only for Shredder to literally kidnap Manhattan. Because of course he did. What follows is a side-scrolling slog through beaches, battleships, and mutant-infested nightmares, featuring enemies who respawn like your unresolved trauma. The turtles now have special moves… that cost health. A fitting metaphor. Bosses include a steroidal turtle clone and a cow-headed demon, which somehow feels less weird than spring break in Daytona. It’s fun, frustrating, and full of pizza-fueled punishment. Cowabunga? More like despair-abunga.
SHARE ON:
