Games Week – Quake (PC)
This week, our staff bravely dusted off the pixelated corpses of classic video games for a series of retro reviews nobody asked for.
Quake 1: The 1996 Game That Taught Us Rocket Launchers Are a Viable Architectural Tool
In 1996, Quake arrived on PCs and promptly gave gamers carpal tunnel and PTSD in brown and gray. The story—something about ancient evil and teleportation—is still being deciphered by scholars trapped in labyrinthine level design. Armed with a shotgun, players bravely navigated corridors that looked like a haunted sewage plant. Enemies ranged from shambling horrors to floating meatballs with anger issues. Multiplayer introduced the concept of “rocket jumping,” which taught a generation that self-harm was often the fastest way to success. The groundbreaking FPS, known for its brown corridors, Lovecraftian horror, and soundtrack that sounds like Trent Reznor screaming into a toaster, has prompted a new wave of motion sickness and existential dread. Quake: where the walls bleed, and so do you.
Quake 2: Local Man Enters Slipgate, Finds Gainful Employment in Murder
In today’s corporate success story, a silent marine known only as “Player” has rocketed up the Stroggos employment ladder by exterminating every co-worker he meets. Quake II’s alien world, once teeming with cyborg potential, now lies littered with twitching limbs and confused sentry bots. Sources confirm Player was hired to “disable the Strogg war machine,” but has instead focused on stealing armor shards from bathrooms and kicking brains across hallways. Despite zero vacation days and endless screaming, he persists. When asked about mental health, Player simply crouched repeatedly and fired a railgun into the sky. A true professional.
Quake 3: The Arena Where Fragging is Literally Life and Death
In a world where social skills are optional, Quake 3 reigns supreme as the ultimate digital gladiator pit. Released decades ago but still hemorrhaging new players willing to frag, race through labyrinthine corridors, and rocket jump their way to pixelated immortality, the game offers little respite from its brutal cycle of spawn, shoot, respawn, repeat. Critics call it “addictive,” while parents call it “a funeral for my child’s social life.” With lightning-fast reflexes and a death toll higher than a Hollywood horror sequel, Quake 3 proudly invites players to prove once again that virtual bloodshed beats real-world small talk any day.
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