White Smoke Signals New Pope, Dark Smoke Still Doing its Thing
In a time-honored tradition, white smoke billowed from the Sistine Chapel’s chimney today, signaling to the world that the College of Cardinals has selected a new pope. The Vatican’s 500-year-old ritual stands in contrast to the black smoke used to announce a failed vote, or, as some skeptics note, to dispose of other, less sacred documents from the church’s past.
“The white smoke means we have a new shepherd for the faithful,” said one cardinal, carefully folding a paper marked “Destroy After Reading” into his robe. “The black smoke, well, that’s just the stuff we don’t talk about.”
In a press statement, Vatican officials reminded the public that the black smoke is merely the result of burned ballots and has nothing to do with the mysterious late-night document bonfires occasionally seen near the Holy Office. “Those are purely coincidental,” the spokesman clarified, adjusting his collar.
As the crowds cheered and bells rang out across St. Peter’s Square, a whisper could be heard from the papal balcony: “Quick, while they’re distracted, get the shredder running.”
While the faithful celebrate their new pontiff, the plume of black smoke rising from the side gate remains a solemn, if awkward, reminder that even the holiest of institutions occasionally needs a little ‘spring cleaning.’
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