Amazon announced Monday that its cloud division, AWS, has been restored following a global outage that briefly returned humanity to a simpler, more horrifying time: life offline. The disruption crippled major websites, apps, and delivery systems, forcing millions to make eye contact with family members and, in extreme cases, go outside.
The outage reportedly began when an engineer “tried to fix one thing,” a classic Amazon euphemism for “deleted everything.” A spokesperson said the issue was resolved after “turning it off and on again,” which instantly restored global capitalism.
Tech companies dependent on AWS scrambled to reassure users that their “data is fine” and “definitely not gone forever.” Meanwhile, therapists reported a surge in patients experiencing “existential clarity” after briefly touching grass.
The outage lasted just four hours, but experts say the psychological effects of being disconnected could linger “until people remember TikTok exists.”
