Apple has unveiled its latest devices, the iPhone 17 Air, AirPods Pro 3, and Apple Watch Series 11, sending both tech bloggers and financial advisors into a synchronized panic.
The iPhone 17 Air, Apple insists, is “lighter than thought itself,” though early testers report it slips out of pockets and floats toward the nearest Genius Bar like a homesick balloon. Meanwhile, AirPods Pro 3 promises “unparalleled sound clarity,” which mainly means you can now hear your regrets in spatial audio. The Apple Watch Series 11 claims to track not just your heartbeat but also your fleeting sense of purpose.
As always, Apple is careful to price its products at “just within screaming range.” The iPhone 17 Air starts at $1,799, or “one rent payment and a half.” Still, the faithful lined up outside Apple Stores overnight, eager to swap solvency for sleek aluminum rectangles.
Investors called it “innovation.” Consumers called it “Stockholm syndrome.”
