Ranking the Jurassic Park Films by Their Lawyer Casualty Count
In a groundbreaking study no one asked for, we’ve finally ranked the Jurassic Park films by one essential metric: how many lawyers get hurt.
5. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
Case Law: Jurassic World Legal Team v. Common Sense
The legal department wisely flees offshore, billing in six-minute increments while watching the island explode on CNN. One partner was reportedly heard muttering, “This is why we don’t insure volcano parks.”
4. Jurassic Park III (2001)
Case Law: Kirby v. Truth in Advertising
No attorneys appear on-screen, possibly because they all quit after realizing the script contained a talking raptor dream sequence. Legal malpractice was narrowly avoided.
3. The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
Case Law: T. rex v. San Diego Municipal Code
Shockingly, no legal professionals were harmed during a T. rex rampage through one of America’s most lawyer-dense cities. An appellate review cites “egregious missed opportunity” in the decision.
2. Jurassic World (2015)
Case Law: Indominus v. In-House Counsel
While no lawyers are visibly devoured, the legal department undoubtedly suffered collective PTSD drafting indemnity clauses like: “Guests acknowledge risk of being hunted for sport.” One junior associate was reportedly last seen crying into an NDA.
1. Jurassic Park (1993)
Case Law: Rex v. Gennaro
The court finds Donald Gennaro guilty of abandoning clients mid-crisis and sentences him to death by toilet ejection. The T. rex’s summary judgment remains binding precedent for all future franchise attorneys.
Closing Argument: The franchise peaked when a T. rex set legal precedent with a toilet-side disbarment. Future installments should consider reinstating this tradition for audience satisfaction.
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