This Independence Day, Americans are throwing it back to 1939 — a simpler time, when the economy was “recovering,” fascism was “someone else’s problem,” and fireworks were still considered an acceptable substitute for healthcare.
Festivities will include vintage-themed cookouts where hot dogs cost a nickel (adjusted for nostalgia, not inflation), swing dancing in the shadow of existential dread, and speeches extolling freedom while conveniently skipping entire demographics. Historians note the era was marked by stunning patriotism and equally stunning denial, a tradition many are thrilled to revive.
“Nothing screams American tradition like smiling through impending catastrophe,” said one reenactor dressed as a man ignoring Europe.
Expect parades featuring outdated military tech and the confident belief that oceans are a solid foreign policy. Officials advise citizens to enjoy the party — before the global situation demands rationing both fireworks and optimism.
