Astronomers Confirm New Planet Beyond Pluto; Humanity Now One Step Closer to Galactic Eviction
In a development sure to thrill conspiracy theorists and doom prophets alike, astronomers have confirmed the existence of a previously unknown planet orbiting the Sun beyond Pluto. Tentatively dubbed “Planet X” — or, more affectionately by Twitter users, “Kevin” — the celestial body lurks so far from the Sun it practically qualifies as an interstellar squatter.
The planet, roughly ten times the mass of Earth and composed almost entirely of regret and frozen rock, is believed to orbit the Sun once every 10,000 years — coincidentally, about as long as it takes for humanity to learn a lesson.
“We weren’t looking for it,” confessed Dr. Lydia Morningside of the International Astronomical Union. “It just showed up. Like an unwanted relative or the climate crisis.”
Speculation has already begun that Planet Kevin may host life, though it’s expected to be more emotionally stable than Earth’s current inhabitants.
The Pentagon has yet to comment, but sources inside NASA have expressed concern that the new planet may be trying to ghost us. “It’s been here the whole time, just chilling in the dark,” said one senior researcher. “Honestly, we kind of respect that energy.”
In unrelated news, Elon Musk has announced plans to colonize Kevin by 2032, assuming it hasn’t already filed a restraining order.
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